How could I conform?

I stared at the blank sheet of paper for almost two hours, zoning in and out. Where do I start, I asked myself. I haven’t written anything since December 3rd, same way I haven’t recorded any piece of content, podcast or video since September.

My mind started to dry up, my energy depleting, it was something that could not be explained. All creative life force slipped away. The only silver lining was that I had the motivation to clear my drafts, did I eventually clear it? not really.

I started to feel that school pressure, final year, takes a toll on your mental health. When I look back at it, I could’ve created regardless but the experience was valuable.

Like I wrote in my earlier blog post, my year was relatively good, I created so much content last year (I would’ve said more than my other years combined but I’m too lazy to calculate).

There was something I didn’t achieve last year but it got pushed to my face, or should I say I allowed social media to push it to my face.

You know what I did? I acted like every ingrate in my position will act, threw all my achievements away for one shiny object. And you know what I did next? I made my new years resolution the pursuit of that object.

That was literally the only thing I planned for 2025, I said screw the content, y’all will survive without me. I was just another blip in the radar, forgotten as soon as I was discovered.

It didn’t take long, like all delusional people, you only need to give them time to discover their lack of contact with reality.

It took me a few discussions with my father, a few hours calculated in the span of a month staring at inanimate objects and some deep thinking to understand that I was looking at the whole situation short-term.

We always talk about how we need our parents but we never reverse the discussion to realize that our parents need us too.

The same way I came to the conclusion that I actually need to create content because I’m hollow without it.

I really thought I could just disappear and act like everybody else, make a couple of bucks, buy a few toys, travel to some countries, take care of the fam, get everything I’ve always wanted, put my children on the right path with a hefty inheritance and kick the bucket like a champ. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s a good life, a quiet one, but unfortunately that’s not me.

I have ideas that need to be shared, experimented on, written, studied.

I can’t just sit back and not share, it doesn’t work for me.

I can’t believe I wanted to conform, be like everybody else. What a betrayal to my greatness, hopes, dreams and this burning curiosity God has placed within me.

What would I leave behind if I stay complacent?

Now to be fair I have been a bit busy but I could’ve also made time so that’s just an excuse.

What I really need is that unparalleled sense of urgency, the will to ponder and create.

During my downtime I realized that I have been missing something, unwavering belief in myself, before I had been winging it, now? it’s a do or die affair.

Now that I have cleared months worth of thoughts from my mind, I can finally start the year. Don’t worry I’ll make up for my January absence, I might also slow down the blog posts, save some for the book. Let me know what you guys think about that.

I also want to talk about loss and legacy but I’ll leave that one for a podcast episode.

I apologize for my absence, I don’t want to be like that certain artist that his fans beg him to drop music.

You must follow your heart but you must also eat and be comfortable, don’t be a starving artist. Remind yourself that anything you want to do or achieve can be done, you just have to start and make time for it.

Thanks for reading, I’ll see you in the next one.